Dear Nikki,
Im trying to fill out my blog every month in a way to remember about you. I saw you a few times at the gym. You know you can approach me if you need someone to spot you.
Yesterday me and my date had a discussion about love. Similar discussion that we had last time. The thing about Amy is that she exactly know what love is. I kinda bumped into this article, and I want to share it with you.
www.noexcusecrossfit.com
Read the part about myth of discipline
'Born Ready!' , LJ
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Life Without Nicole Day 71
Dear Nikki,
It's been what? Approximately 71 days since you leave my heart. Ive been on a different dates, break a few innoccent heart, but it's hard for me to fall in love again. I want my heart back!
Here's a few things that I miss...
1. Your baked goods that you used to bring at the firehouse. I've tried a few, especially during Easter, but it doesn't taste the same.
2. Going to church sunday morning and pick you up at 9 am. Even though I am not a morning person.
3. Picking you up and go to the gym togather at 7pm during the weekday.
4. You being sacarstic and using the word 'egregious'
5. You wearing the white I <3 CF shirt!
6. Giving you hugs and suprise kisses at the gym.
7. Going To Whole Foods
'Born Ready', LJ
It's been what? Approximately 71 days since you leave my heart. Ive been on a different dates, break a few innoccent heart, but it's hard for me to fall in love again. I want my heart back!
Here's a few things that I miss...
1. Your baked goods that you used to bring at the firehouse. I've tried a few, especially during Easter, but it doesn't taste the same.
2. Going to church sunday morning and pick you up at 9 am. Even though I am not a morning person.
3. Picking you up and go to the gym togather at 7pm during the weekday.
4. You being sacarstic and using the word 'egregious'
5. You wearing the white I <3 CF shirt!
6. Giving you hugs and suprise kisses at the gym.
7. Going To Whole Foods
'Born Ready', LJ
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Life without Nicole day 38
Dear Nikki,
Waow it's been 38 days since you left me. Time seems to passes by so quick, yet you are still in my mind. I always love music. Did I ever tell you that? Music is my inspiration as well as motivation. When I am doing my cardio, new songs seems to give me an extra kick and endurance. I love trance and hardcore trance. As a matter of fact, that's the only songs in my playlist. A lot of people don't understand why trance is a good music, but I do. When I listen to music, I listen to the beat and try to synchronize with my heart rate. Insted of most people who listen to music because of the lyrics. Most lyrics for most music has almost the same trend, and I hate that. It's always about love,girl,broken heart, friendship bla bla bla....Give me a break!
My birthday is coming up soon...Can I get you back as a present?...hmmm
Waow it's been 38 days since you left me. Time seems to passes by so quick, yet you are still in my mind. I always love music. Did I ever tell you that? Music is my inspiration as well as motivation. When I am doing my cardio, new songs seems to give me an extra kick and endurance. I love trance and hardcore trance. As a matter of fact, that's the only songs in my playlist. A lot of people don't understand why trance is a good music, but I do. When I listen to music, I listen to the beat and try to synchronize with my heart rate. Insted of most people who listen to music because of the lyrics. Most lyrics for most music has almost the same trend, and I hate that. It's always about love,girl,broken heart, friendship bla bla bla....Give me a break!
My birthday is coming up soon...Can I get you back as a present?...hmmm
Friday, February 26, 2010
Life Without Nicole Day 26
Dear Nikki,
It's the 26 th days , since you left me. Guess what? Your friend Ron came up and approached me yesterday and asked about you. I was suprised, since I've never talked to him in my entire life, and he decided to approached me and talk to me. We did millitary press togather. Of course he asked me whether he can join in. Can you keep up? that's what I told him
I've gotten used to 80 lbs vest now. Im gonna start timing and hopefully go below 30 mins. Im started crossfit back up. 'signal 33' Tomorrow.
I'm getting stronger! Hopefully you've been training. LOL
It's the 26 th days , since you left me. Guess what? Your friend Ron came up and approached me yesterday and asked about you. I was suprised, since I've never talked to him in my entire life, and he decided to approached me and talk to me. We did millitary press togather. Of course he asked me whether he can join in. Can you keep up? that's what I told him
I've gotten used to 80 lbs vest now. Im gonna start timing and hopefully go below 30 mins. Im started crossfit back up. 'signal 33' Tomorrow.
I'm getting stronger! Hopefully you've been training. LOL
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Life Without Nicole Day 17
Dear Nikki,
I felt like I am in the wilderness..Alone, hungry and filled with temptations. Today is Ash Wednesday. As the priest put ashes on my forehead and said 'be faifthful to the gospel and turn away from sin' I was convinced that is with me with all these things that been going on. Father Jack said that God is even closer with us when we suffer because he loves us. I am thankful for that.
I did a bunch of deadlift yesterday and did 'stephanie' today at the gym. My lower back is so sore I couldn't even bent over...Urrrgh I hate that feeling.
'Don't give in to discouragement.If you are discouraged, it's a sign of pride because it shows that you trust in your own powers. Never bother about other people's opinions. Be obedient to truth for with humble obedience you will never disturbed' ,Mother Teresa of calcuta
I felt like I am in the wilderness..Alone, hungry and filled with temptations. Today is Ash Wednesday. As the priest put ashes on my forehead and said 'be faifthful to the gospel and turn away from sin' I was convinced that is with me with all these things that been going on. Father Jack said that God is even closer with us when we suffer because he loves us. I am thankful for that.
I did a bunch of deadlift yesterday and did 'stephanie' today at the gym. My lower back is so sore I couldn't even bent over...Urrrgh I hate that feeling.
'Don't give in to discouragement.If you are discouraged, it's a sign of pride because it shows that you trust in your own powers. Never bother about other people's opinions. Be obedient to truth for with humble obedience you will never disturbed' ,Mother Teresa of calcuta
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Life without Nicole day 16
Dear Nikki,
New week, new day and new goals. I was suprised when I went on shift yesterday, and my Capt told me to go to station 20 and be on the squad. I told him that if I go there, I won't be coming back. God has blessed me with a good shift. Yesterday was my 2nd fire this year. It was a good fire. I pulled every ceiling on that house, and I was amazed how much stronger I became by implementing crossfit in my work out. Even though it was cold, I enjoyed that shift. Every fire that I fought feel like an orgasm. I put out that fire as well as the fire that lies beneath my heart. Will it rekindle? Every night when I think of you.
I also have a couple of good new. Since our vacation is cancelled, I decided to use that money to better myself. I have signed up for crossfit level 1 course on May 22-23rd. I am so excited! I also signed up and bought some materials for ACSM personal trainer certification. You can use the materials when I got done. All you have to do is pay for the test, and you will be certified. Of course if that's what you want...
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I know you don't beleive in all those but if you remember, Ash Wednesday is the beginning for lent season. I am always afraid of lent. There's the time when I faced with a lot of temptations and right now without you, my faith seems weak.
Am I still in your thoughts?? I always wondered.....
New week, new day and new goals. I was suprised when I went on shift yesterday, and my Capt told me to go to station 20 and be on the squad. I told him that if I go there, I won't be coming back. God has blessed me with a good shift. Yesterday was my 2nd fire this year. It was a good fire. I pulled every ceiling on that house, and I was amazed how much stronger I became by implementing crossfit in my work out. Even though it was cold, I enjoyed that shift. Every fire that I fought feel like an orgasm. I put out that fire as well as the fire that lies beneath my heart. Will it rekindle? Every night when I think of you.
I also have a couple of good new. Since our vacation is cancelled, I decided to use that money to better myself. I have signed up for crossfit level 1 course on May 22-23rd. I am so excited! I also signed up and bought some materials for ACSM personal trainer certification. You can use the materials when I got done. All you have to do is pay for the test, and you will be certified. Of course if that's what you want...
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I know you don't beleive in all those but if you remember, Ash Wednesday is the beginning for lent season. I am always afraid of lent. There's the time when I faced with a lot of temptations and right now without you, my faith seems weak.
Am I still in your thoughts?? I always wondered.....
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Life without Nicole day 12
Dear Nikki,
My shift was really exhausting. I am not suprised, since it's not that often that we have snow in Atlanta. I am glad that I got to meet you today and finally comprehend the whole situation. I've done fucked up, and I decided to give up in our relationship. Thank you for making me realized that doing things for someone is not good enough...
I've decided to moved on,take a break and sleep my problems away....
My shift was really exhausting. I am not suprised, since it's not that often that we have snow in Atlanta. I am glad that I got to meet you today and finally comprehend the whole situation. I've done fucked up, and I decided to give up in our relationship. Thank you for making me realized that doing things for someone is not good enough...
I've decided to moved on,take a break and sleep my problems away....
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Life Without Nicole Day 11
Dear Nikki,
I used to have a fascination with the solar system when I was a kid. So fascinated that I even had this beautiful dream of me taking a train, and the train took me around the solar system. As I've get older, I realized that my dream actually come to reality. Even though the train do not really take me to the outer space they take me round the area where I live. I board this train every third day, and I called it the night train. Even though it's sometime I am physically exhausting riding this train, I had my eyes opened. I saw a lot of things that regular people don't usually see and to make it better, I actually be able to do something about it. I felt sense of joy after I went off board the train at 7 am the next morning. On board this train, I see a lot of people who are having more problems than I do. I felt useless and torn down for a minute problems, and I feel that these people need to be praised for their bravery and courage to live through another day.
As I pondered at my small little bunkroom hoping I could get some shut eyes three questions come to my mind.
1.Have you asked God what would be best?
2.What do you thiunk healthy communication should be like?
3.How would you want someone to treat you?
I am lost for answers at all these questions except for no 3. which is bad because I used to be treated badly,get used at and get mocked at so that person can feel better about themselves.
In this is mind, I bottled things up and keep everything to myself.
I am really vulnerable when I am emotionally distressed. I can't think of anything to make myself a happy person. Emotional wound takes longer to heal than physical wound. For the past few weeks my life has been going down the slope except for my strength.(I work out more when I am stressed out). People been labelling me at work,issues with my friend,decision that is going to affect my life. I feel all this is piling up on me, and I am about to break down.
I used to have a fascination with the solar system when I was a kid. So fascinated that I even had this beautiful dream of me taking a train, and the train took me around the solar system. As I've get older, I realized that my dream actually come to reality. Even though the train do not really take me to the outer space they take me round the area where I live. I board this train every third day, and I called it the night train. Even though it's sometime I am physically exhausting riding this train, I had my eyes opened. I saw a lot of things that regular people don't usually see and to make it better, I actually be able to do something about it. I felt sense of joy after I went off board the train at 7 am the next morning. On board this train, I see a lot of people who are having more problems than I do. I felt useless and torn down for a minute problems, and I feel that these people need to be praised for their bravery and courage to live through another day.
As I pondered at my small little bunkroom hoping I could get some shut eyes three questions come to my mind.
1.Have you asked God what would be best?
2.What do you thiunk healthy communication should be like?
3.How would you want someone to treat you?
I am lost for answers at all these questions except for no 3. which is bad because I used to be treated badly,get used at and get mocked at so that person can feel better about themselves.
In this is mind, I bottled things up and keep everything to myself.
I am really vulnerable when I am emotionally distressed. I can't think of anything to make myself a happy person. Emotional wound takes longer to heal than physical wound. For the past few weeks my life has been going down the slope except for my strength.(I work out more when I am stressed out). People been labelling me at work,issues with my friend,decision that is going to affect my life. I feel all this is piling up on me, and I am about to break down.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Life without Nicole day 9
Dear Nikki,
Life is getting back to normal for me. I am really aggrevated this morning. I felt like I didn't push myself hard enough on the climb. It's only 5 more flights, and I gave up.
I thank God for giving me such a wonderful mom. She asked me out to lunch. Even though the food was a disappoinment, I enjoyed her company. She told me that I don't have to spend money on Vday.. and she laughed at me. She also said that if you wanna love a female,I should love her insted because a mother's love is unconditional. Her words made me think for a while. Love is a virtue and sacrifice rather than feeling.
I went back to the gym today and was suprised that this guy started to approcched me at the locker. Thank goodness I wasn't naked. He looked nervous when he talked to me. He said he's training for the polic academy, and he wanted me to train him. I asked him how many lifes he got? I also told him to look out crossfit.com. I am sure you are not suprised at what I am going to tell him.
I am feeling kinda weird today. I think I am catching a cold...
Life is getting back to normal for me. I am really aggrevated this morning. I felt like I didn't push myself hard enough on the climb. It's only 5 more flights, and I gave up.
I thank God for giving me such a wonderful mom. She asked me out to lunch. Even though the food was a disappoinment, I enjoyed her company. She told me that I don't have to spend money on Vday.. and she laughed at me. She also said that if you wanna love a female,I should love her insted because a mother's love is unconditional. Her words made me think for a while. Love is a virtue and sacrifice rather than feeling.
I went back to the gym today and was suprised that this guy started to approcched me at the locker. Thank goodness I wasn't naked. He looked nervous when he talked to me. He said he's training for the polic academy, and he wanted me to train him. I asked him how many lifes he got? I also told him to look out crossfit.com. I am sure you are not suprised at what I am going to tell him.
I am feeling kinda weird today. I think I am catching a cold...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Life without Nicole Day 10
Dear Nikki,
Waow I am suprised at myself that I am still writing a blog. I am not much of a writer but somehow I can talk to you about things that I usually keep to myself. Now since you've left me, I still have the habit to write to you even though I don't expect any replies,or you even viewing my blog.
Have you ever worried about the future? Your plans? What you going to do in a few years time. I see most human being doing the same thing. Infancy,growing up,school,get engaged,married and get old. Is that there is to it about life as a human. I am always wondering about that. I pondered myself as I sit by the desk staring at the empty ceiling. My life has been real simple. I went through a lot of hardships. Well me and my family did. It took us a lot of hardwork to reached this comfort living. I now have a great career, and I am happy in what I am doing but sometimes I feel bored because of the daily things that I do everyday on my day off. I sometime worried that all these things will be taken away from me, and I am left with nothing. These feelings really worried me even worse than my insecurities when I am with you.
The church says that you should trust God with all your heart, and he will provides. I do trust him but sometimes I have doubts. What does that mean? Is it because I don't pray enough,go to mass enough?
What is happiness to you Nikki? Sometimes I don't even know the answer......
Waow I am suprised at myself that I am still writing a blog. I am not much of a writer but somehow I can talk to you about things that I usually keep to myself. Now since you've left me, I still have the habit to write to you even though I don't expect any replies,or you even viewing my blog.
Have you ever worried about the future? Your plans? What you going to do in a few years time. I see most human being doing the same thing. Infancy,growing up,school,get engaged,married and get old. Is that there is to it about life as a human. I am always wondering about that. I pondered myself as I sit by the desk staring at the empty ceiling. My life has been real simple. I went through a lot of hardships. Well me and my family did. It took us a lot of hardwork to reached this comfort living. I now have a great career, and I am happy in what I am doing but sometimes I feel bored because of the daily things that I do everyday on my day off. I sometime worried that all these things will be taken away from me, and I am left with nothing. These feelings really worried me even worse than my insecurities when I am with you.
The church says that you should trust God with all your heart, and he will provides. I do trust him but sometimes I have doubts. What does that mean? Is it because I don't pray enough,go to mass enough?
What is happiness to you Nikki? Sometimes I don't even know the answer......
Life without Nicole Day 8
Dear Nikki,
It's been 8 days since you left. Our memories of the good times start to vivid in my mind. I travelled to station 10 today. It was a wonderful shift. We ran all day and slept througout the night.
I was happy to get your reply back from the text only to find that you were hurt because of what I said last Sat. Does the truth her. Do you really think that we should have some distance from now on? I mean you have been avoiding me since the very first day. Is that 'distance' that you mean yesterday means leaving you out of my life forever.
I've been pondering about that. Now I begin to really affirm in what God's telling me. Should I let you go? I decided to..I deleted your Number from my phone and put away any pictures of us togather. I basically trying to erase any trace of you.
Are you glad now? Or are you upset deep inside?
It's been 8 days since you left. Our memories of the good times start to vivid in my mind. I travelled to station 10 today. It was a wonderful shift. We ran all day and slept througout the night.
I was happy to get your reply back from the text only to find that you were hurt because of what I said last Sat. Does the truth her. Do you really think that we should have some distance from now on? I mean you have been avoiding me since the very first day. Is that 'distance' that you mean yesterday means leaving you out of my life forever.
I've been pondering about that. Now I begin to really affirm in what God's telling me. Should I let you go? I decided to..I deleted your Number from my phone and put away any pictures of us togather. I basically trying to erase any trace of you.
Are you glad now? Or are you upset deep inside?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Life Without Nicole Day 7
Dear Nikki,
I have a few great news to tell you.
1. I added another 8 more metal thingy on my vest. I have 16 more left before it's full. I completed 50 flights the first go round. I was proud of myself. I feel I am alot stronger.
2. I almost done reading the new book that I bought. I should have bought the book to prevent what happened. I learnt alot from that book espcially the reasons why you decided to break up with me.
I met the Asian guy at the gym tonight. He gave me a good advise..Some are stupid, but I remember clearly what he said. 'If you love her, be there for her but don't put any hope of you to be togather. Be a friend to her' My decision to be your friend was right.
Why haven't you texted me back? How long are you going to avoid me. You know all you have to say are the words that I told you, and I will leave you alone forever. I feel like I am annoyance when I didn't hear from you. I decided not to text you today because of that feeling.
The book said that you probably suffering from BPD(borderline personality disorder). I am not a psy so asked yourself this questions:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2.A pattern of unstabler and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance markedly and persistantly unstable self image or sense of self.
4.Impulsively in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging.(spending,sex,substance abuse,shoplifting,reckless driving,binge eating)
5.Reccurent suicidal behaviour,gestures or threats or self mutilating behaviour.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood(eg;intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feeling of emptiness
8.Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.
9.Transient stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
I in no way accusing you of any of this. I hope you can evaluate yourself and if you think your are suffereing BPD. I am here!I will go through therapy with you.
Refer to emotionally abusive relationship by Beverly Engel.pg 188
Love!
I have a few great news to tell you.
1. I added another 8 more metal thingy on my vest. I have 16 more left before it's full. I completed 50 flights the first go round. I was proud of myself. I feel I am alot stronger.
2. I almost done reading the new book that I bought. I should have bought the book to prevent what happened. I learnt alot from that book espcially the reasons why you decided to break up with me.
I met the Asian guy at the gym tonight. He gave me a good advise..Some are stupid, but I remember clearly what he said. 'If you love her, be there for her but don't put any hope of you to be togather. Be a friend to her' My decision to be your friend was right.
Why haven't you texted me back? How long are you going to avoid me. You know all you have to say are the words that I told you, and I will leave you alone forever. I feel like I am annoyance when I didn't hear from you. I decided not to text you today because of that feeling.
The book said that you probably suffering from BPD(borderline personality disorder). I am not a psy so asked yourself this questions:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2.A pattern of unstabler and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance markedly and persistantly unstable self image or sense of self.
4.Impulsively in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging.(spending,sex,substance abuse,shoplifting,reckless driving,binge eating)
5.Reccurent suicidal behaviour,gestures or threats or self mutilating behaviour.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood(eg;intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feeling of emptiness
8.Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.
9.Transient stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
I in no way accusing you of any of this. I hope you can evaluate yourself and if you think your are suffereing BPD. I am here!I will go through therapy with you.
Refer to emotionally abusive relationship by Beverly Engel.pg 188
Love!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Life Without Nicole day 6
Dear Nikki,
It's the sixth day since you are gone. I really think alot today. Why do I love you? What qualities do you have that make me love you. We are totally different. Do I love you because I found you a challange and I wanna rescue you from your past? Do I love you because you are physically attractive? Do I love you because I thought you can help me fixed my current problems?
When I woke up this morning I feel weird. I usually go to church with you every Sunday. I was tempted that I should go to your church today, sit beside you and pretend nothing happen and whisper in your ear...Do you want me to leave?. I started laughing at myself when I started to imagine the look in your face,how you going to feel. what you going to do. I lacked the courage to do it.
I went to mass as usual today. Father Jack told as that we should be saint and we need to go to the deep end and proclaim the gospel. I actually shed tears...because I havent done any of that.
I went home from mass. I miss you. I was hoping I could run into you at the gym today to give you a hug. I was hoping that I could be there with you at the party and you tell all your friends that I am your bf....I sent you a text to enjoy yourself at the party and bundlep up.
I finally decided. I've waited for you to accept me for 2 years. I will wait. How long are you going to make me wait this time?
I MISS YOU NIKKI!
It's the sixth day since you are gone. I really think alot today. Why do I love you? What qualities do you have that make me love you. We are totally different. Do I love you because I found you a challange and I wanna rescue you from your past? Do I love you because you are physically attractive? Do I love you because I thought you can help me fixed my current problems?
When I woke up this morning I feel weird. I usually go to church with you every Sunday. I was tempted that I should go to your church today, sit beside you and pretend nothing happen and whisper in your ear...Do you want me to leave?. I started laughing at myself when I started to imagine the look in your face,how you going to feel. what you going to do. I lacked the courage to do it.
I went to mass as usual today. Father Jack told as that we should be saint and we need to go to the deep end and proclaim the gospel. I actually shed tears...because I havent done any of that.
I went home from mass. I miss you. I was hoping I could run into you at the gym today to give you a hug. I was hoping that I could be there with you at the party and you tell all your friends that I am your bf....I sent you a text to enjoy yourself at the party and bundlep up.
I finally decided. I've waited for you to accept me for 2 years. I will wait. How long are you going to make me wait this time?
I MISS YOU NIKKI!
Life without Nicole Day 5
Dear Nikki,
I finally have the courage to send you a text. I am really glad that I made you feel better. In my heart I was still hoping that you are wrong and you want to be togather again.
I felt a sense of peace after I talked to you. I was able to smile at the gym. I am happy that I challenged myself, and I let love take over my pride. Arrun, Steph and everyone else at the firehouse think I am and idiot. You can't rationalize your actions when you are in love.
After gym, I went to every places that we went to. I tried to trace back the day when we first dating for the first time. I bought a book at the forum called The emotionally abusive relationship by Beverly Engel. I don't know why I bought it. You know that I am not a reader. Is it beacause of the thing that you did that hurt me? or is it because I still want to know the reasons why you broke up with me. Is it because of your past.
" ting' my iphone make a sound. I looked at it and it was you. Your text. My eyes glow. I got excited. I am happy that you send me a text telling me that you are home safe. I am happy that you still think about me being worried about you. Why am I so stupid to let me hearts out and send you a nasty text saying that you abused me.
'I cannot lie to you. But its not what you want to hear. So I guess you can erase this:I still have feelings for you and I have not fallen for someone else.'. I was so Happy when You tell me this. I glad I texted you. I am glad that Jennifer was right. still I am in a bind. I couldn't let you go. I got so emotional when you told me that. I wasn't being sacarstic when I said I am gonna quote it on my blog. I am writing this blog.
I finally have the courage to send you a text. I am really glad that I made you feel better. In my heart I was still hoping that you are wrong and you want to be togather again.
I felt a sense of peace after I talked to you. I was able to smile at the gym. I am happy that I challenged myself, and I let love take over my pride. Arrun, Steph and everyone else at the firehouse think I am and idiot. You can't rationalize your actions when you are in love.
After gym, I went to every places that we went to. I tried to trace back the day when we first dating for the first time. I bought a book at the forum called The emotionally abusive relationship by Beverly Engel. I don't know why I bought it. You know that I am not a reader. Is it beacause of the thing that you did that hurt me? or is it because I still want to know the reasons why you broke up with me. Is it because of your past.
" ting' my iphone make a sound. I looked at it and it was you. Your text. My eyes glow. I got excited. I am happy that you send me a text telling me that you are home safe. I am happy that you still think about me being worried about you. Why am I so stupid to let me hearts out and send you a nasty text saying that you abused me.
'I cannot lie to you. But its not what you want to hear. So I guess you can erase this:I still have feelings for you and I have not fallen for someone else.'. I was so Happy when You tell me this. I glad I texted you. I am glad that Jennifer was right. still I am in a bind. I couldn't let you go. I got so emotional when you told me that. I wasn't being sacarstic when I said I am gonna quote it on my blog. I am writing this blog.
Life without Nicole Day 4
Dear Nicole,
This is the fourth day that you abandoned me. I tried to think positive and telling myself that all this happen for a reason, and I could focus more on my training. I completed the whole 50 flights. it was hard, but I did it. I feel I am getting stronger. I am ready for the climb, but I was disappointed that you will not be there to climb with me.
I am no longer mad at you. I realized that I love you even more when you were gone. I regretted that everytime we meet at the house, I could at least stay an extra hour. I regretted that I gave you the silent tx at the gym. I regretted that I didn't give you a hug that morning when I dropped of that tools. I regretted that I hurt your feelings.
Out of love I get worried. I couldn't bring myself to call or text you and find out how are you holding up. I seek help from your friend Jennifer. She told me to talked to you directly. My pride say no, I am challenging myself. I did what regular people didn't do.
This is the fourth day that you abandoned me. I tried to think positive and telling myself that all this happen for a reason, and I could focus more on my training. I completed the whole 50 flights. it was hard, but I did it. I feel I am getting stronger. I am ready for the climb, but I was disappointed that you will not be there to climb with me.
I am no longer mad at you. I realized that I love you even more when you were gone. I regretted that everytime we meet at the house, I could at least stay an extra hour. I regretted that I gave you the silent tx at the gym. I regretted that I didn't give you a hug that morning when I dropped of that tools. I regretted that I hurt your feelings.
Out of love I get worried. I couldn't bring myself to call or text you and find out how are you holding up. I seek help from your friend Jennifer. She told me to talked to you directly. My pride say no, I am challenging myself. I did what regular people didn't do.
Life without Nicole day 3
Dear Nicole,
Today is the third day you are gone in my life. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. It's probably because of the 2 hours of sleep I get. I went straight to the gym to train. Today I wasn't able to complete the whole 50 flights of stairs at the gym. I can only do 40 flights. I was dizzy,nauseated and in alot of pain. Still I found pleasure. I wish you could be there with me climbing the stairs behind me motivating me.
I went back to the gym around 4. I went early so I could miss you at the gym. I dare not face you. I leave the gym by 7 only so I can go home without seeing you there.
I need someone to talk to. I need a female opinion to find out the reason why you did this. I went and have dinner with jennifer.(TJ's ex). She gave me alot of different view. She listened to me. At first I was really worried that you broke up with me because you fell in love with another guy at Buford. Jen told me otherwise. I was glad even though I wanted it to be true, so I can completely let you go.
I went home exhausted yet couldn't fall asleep. Benadryl is becoming my new addiction.
Today is the third day you are gone in my life. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. It's probably because of the 2 hours of sleep I get. I went straight to the gym to train. Today I wasn't able to complete the whole 50 flights of stairs at the gym. I can only do 40 flights. I was dizzy,nauseated and in alot of pain. Still I found pleasure. I wish you could be there with me climbing the stairs behind me motivating me.
I went back to the gym around 4. I went early so I could miss you at the gym. I dare not face you. I leave the gym by 7 only so I can go home without seeing you there.
I need someone to talk to. I need a female opinion to find out the reason why you did this. I went and have dinner with jennifer.(TJ's ex). She gave me alot of different view. She listened to me. At first I was really worried that you broke up with me because you fell in love with another guy at Buford. Jen told me otherwise. I was glad even though I wanted it to be true, so I can completely let you go.
I went home exhausted yet couldn't fall asleep. Benadryl is becoming my new addiction.
Life without Nicole Day 2
Dear Nicole,
I woke up from the bed feeling refreshed. It's the first time in months since I was able to sleep. Thanks to the 100 mg of Benadryl that I've taken. I was energetic physically, but my emotion felt uneasy. I dragged myself to work.
I don't know why but when I am depressed, I enjoyed going to work. Perhaps it's the best way to get my mind off you. I was able to focus, and I was on top of my game. Still every time we get back to the station from a call, I feel upset.
Night time is the hardest for me. I thank God for giving me a busy night. I was hoping that we could on a bad call, so I can stop thinking of you for the time being. It didn;t happen. Every hour I was looking at my phone. Hoping that I could get your text and telling me that you are kidding about last night. I waited..It's not there. Again I am heartbroken.
I woke up from the bed feeling refreshed. It's the first time in months since I was able to sleep. Thanks to the 100 mg of Benadryl that I've taken. I was energetic physically, but my emotion felt uneasy. I dragged myself to work.
I don't know why but when I am depressed, I enjoyed going to work. Perhaps it's the best way to get my mind off you. I was able to focus, and I was on top of my game. Still every time we get back to the station from a call, I feel upset.
Night time is the hardest for me. I thank God for giving me a busy night. I was hoping that we could on a bad call, so I can stop thinking of you for the time being. It didn;t happen. Every hour I was looking at my phone. Hoping that I could get your text and telling me that you are kidding about last night. I waited..It's not there. Again I am heartbroken.
Life Without Nicole Day 1
On Feb 1 I received the most heartbreaking news ever. I remembered clearly that I was taking a nap after a long painful tiring training that I've been doing for the past few months. My gf who is the love of my life decided to call me up. I was half asleep when she called me. She said we needed to talk. I listened to her, every words she said made my heart racing. I felt a sense of hopelessness as she cried during the conversation. She told me that we are really distant. She said she couldn't she me anymore. I was speechless. I don't know what to say. I felt like my whole happiness that I so long for has been taken away from me. I am without goal. I am lonely.
My therapy for me is always the gym. For no rhyme of reasons, I found pleasure when I felt pain physically. I find pleasure when I work. Every inch of my muscles being tortured by every movement I made. My heart is pumping fast when I do my cardio, I am breathless but I found pleasure. I worked 10 times harder when Im depressed,sad or angry. That day I feel like I could spend my time at the gym in eternity.
I was mad. I don't know to who I was mad at. Myself for making her make that decision? God? Or her?
I went home. I couldn't sleep. I have to forced myself to sleep with 100 mg of benadryl. I'm hooked.
My therapy for me is always the gym. For no rhyme of reasons, I found pleasure when I felt pain physically. I find pleasure when I work. Every inch of my muscles being tortured by every movement I made. My heart is pumping fast when I do my cardio, I am breathless but I found pleasure. I worked 10 times harder when Im depressed,sad or angry. That day I feel like I could spend my time at the gym in eternity.
I was mad. I don't know to who I was mad at. Myself for making her make that decision? God? Or her?
I went home. I couldn't sleep. I have to forced myself to sleep with 100 mg of benadryl. I'm hooked.
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